Those who turn that emotion into action see the results they desire. Those that don’t take action seldom see the results they desire. Failing to meet desire with action is like revving the engine of a car hoping it will move but never taking the car out of park.

We wanted to do something different here and we are going to use an excerpt we found from an author named Craig B Larson. He wrote a quick summation story that we feel illustrates a great point:

“Bringing a giraffe into the world is a tall order. A baby giraffe falls 10 feet from its mother’s womb and usually lands on its back. Within seconds it rolls over and tucks its legs under its body. From this position it considers the world for the first time and shakes off the last vestiges of the birthing fluid from its eyes and ears. Then the mother giraffe rudely introduces its offspring to the reality of life.

Then the mother giraffe does the most remarkable thing. She kicks it off its feet again. Why? She wants it to remember how it got up. In the wild, baby giraffes must be able to get up as quickly as possible to stay with the herd, where there is safety. Lions, hyenas, leopards, and wild hunting dogs all enjoy young giraffes, and they’d get it too, if the mother didn’t teach her calf to get up quickly and get with it.”

Craig has illustrated a great feat that happens every day, all day, across the world to billions of people. We get knocked down. This happens to absolutely every being on the planet. What’s more, it doesn’t just happen once but it happens repeatedly. It is not the “knocking down” that defines us but “what we do after we are knocked down” that defines us. Getting up means we are NOT failures. We may have failed but we are not failures. We may be down but we remain down for little time.

Motivation is a lot like a baby giraffe. Alright, most of us are not getting physically kicked by someone but we certainly feel emotional “kick downs.” The giraffe may have felt pain but there was a sense of urgency, a sense of need, a sense of life running through its veins. And just like that baby giraffe, if we do nothing with that motivation we perish. We may not physically perish but a part of us lies dormant near death if we do nothing with our motivation.

There is little to be said about the person who keeps their motivation to themselves and never sends it out to the world through action. All of us have stories we could share about life knocking us down. You have two choices to make about these events. You can share them as the victim of a “knockdown”… this is often referred to as complaining or commiserating. The other option is you can share these circumstances as they turn to triumphs. To do this, you must take action upon them… this results in you empowering others.

Some people opt just to share the knockdowns. We challenge you to choose to become the person who shares triumphs after each knockdown. Don’t breathe a word about your loss or challenge until you have moved beyond it. Then share them both as an empowering story of the “knock down” and the “get back up!”
Don’t just be motivated, be MOVING!

Michael Bloxton

Relationships of all kinds, involve you and are essential for your happiness but it is typically intimate relationships which cause the most pain or create the most joy… so we will primarily deal with these relationships in this article. Intimate love can be the most powerful experience but if things go awry, it can also be the most painful. So how does personal development relate to relationships?

In a relationship, much like in life, we are given constant feedback. In life, this feedback comes from a variety of sources but in a relationship, it always comes from one person – that special person. It’s not that they always relay that feedback to you, though that happens from time to time; it is the quality of the relationship that tells you the most. How much do you argue? Are those arguments about the same thing? Do you consistently do something that angers the other person? And most importantly, whose faults are the problems in your relationship?
Whenever we deal with someone else there is the tendency to blame that person for challenges. Blame shifts the responsibility but it also shifts the power to change. If you desire a better relationship, do not give away the power to change, use it! Besides, if you really want to know the truth, the problem is never with them, it’s always with you!

Yes, you may be thinking we cannot possible say that with certainty because we don’t know you or the person you are in a relationship with but all of that doesn’t matter. The power to change your relationship lies with you.

What’s more, we can prove it!

All human beings have 6 needs and each individual places certain needs as a priority over the others. There is a hierarchy of importance for you and for your life partner. Do you know what these need are and which ones you value most? If you don’t then how can you expect your partner to be able to fulfill them? Do you know which are most important for your significant other? If not, you don’t stand a chance of fulfilling their needs, do you?

The 6 human needs are a subject all to themselves and you can read more about them on our site but we’re going to give you a quick summary now. The needs are significance, connection (love), certainty, variety, growth, and contribution. The first four make up the primary needs that everyone finds a way to fill. The last two we must do in order to feel fulfilled.

Let’s start with you. Which of these needs is most important to you? Which is the next most important? Don’t just gloss over answering these questions. Really put thought into these needs, how you go about fulfilling them in your life, and to which ones you have assigned priority. Your entire life and your future are formed by these needs and how you fulfill them.

Now ask yourself the same questions about your partner. Do you know? Most people have no idea when we first ask this question. If you never thought about it, can you really claim you have done everything to make this relationship work? Of course you can’t so be honest with yourself.

The application of this understanding and knowledge is powerful yet simple to use. For example, if you forget your significant other’s birthday, you are clearly not fulfilling their need for significance, connection and love, or even certainty. How do you think they will respond regardless of the excuse you have? If your loved one says you never surprise them or do anything romantic, what are they really telling you? They don’t feel significant, connected, and you are not fulfilling their need for variety.

You see, whatever someone does or says tells you about their needs. If you understand this, and the priority they place on these needs, you can not only be more responsive… you can fulfill them before they become an issue. And this doesn’t just apply to fixing relationships. If you have a great relationship but have been unaware of these needs before, wait until you feel the love that is bestowed on you when you consciously make an effort to fulfill those needs in a better way!!! On the other hand, if you don’t apply this lesson in your relationship, you will eventually not have one.

Seeing a relationship as a type of personal development journey helps lighten the load and release tension. If you understand the disagreements are clues to their needs, it is a learning opportunity for you and the argument ceases to be about who is right and more about an opportunity for you to grow.

Your relationship is just another means of assisting you to become all that you can be and that is called personal development. In your relationship now, think of three ways you could possibly grow in terms of your ability to fulfill your partner’s needs. There are countless small, seemingly insignificant ways that have a profound and deep impact on your own personal growth and ultimately all of your relationships.

So take our 14 day challenge: For the next 14 days, put your energy and focus into finding out what your partners needs are and fulfilling them in every way you can. For 14 days do not even think about your own needs, just focus on them. We promise if you do that, you will see a dramatic improvement in your relationship. Take the challenge and create the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.

Michael Bloxton

Creating new neurological connections and changing old ones takes physical work and consistent action. Let’s take a look at how this process works. Start by consistently shifting your thoughts and actions. It takes practice to monitor our thoughts and shift them, but you can do it. Quickly, you’ll discover that it’s easy to “think” powerfully.

Next, it’s important to add action to the process. The neurological connections required to think in different ways are not the same neurological connections required to take action on that thought! In order to effect these connections, you must do things differently.

Before we get into the “how”, let’s explain how the brain works. Different parts of the brain are responsible for different actions; hence they involve different neural pathways. The pathways that are strictly thought-based do not correlate to the pathways that are responsible for action which consists of motion and activities of the body. To simplify, thinking something is not the same as doing something.

Imagine you had to give a speech. You write the speech, spend hours sitting and reading it over and over again, you virtually memorize it, and on the night of the speech, you take your notes up to the podium and begin. What happens (unless you have experience in public speaking)? Typically you are nervous but aside from that something else happens. You give the speech, word for word, yet the speech is dry, you do not connect with the audience, you are boring and monotone and your jokes don’t get that many laughs.

A good speech evokes emotions, connection with your audience, humor, and excitement. In order to provide this, you will want to activate different neurological pathways than you do when you are reading. It is a very different experience. You only become good at giving speeches when you practice out loud (involving the speech centers in the brain). Imagine your audience in front of you (involves the emotional pathways of the brain). Finally, move (involves specific motor pathways in the brain). If you practice in this way, you will find that when your nervousness subsides, you deliver a motivational speech.

Listening allows you to retain about 10 – 15% of what you’re hearing. Taking notes increases the retention for what you’re learning, but wanes with time. If you discuss the topic, the retention rate is even higher. However, if you put into action what you’ve learned, retention rates increase to 90%. Do you see a pattern? The more areas of your brain that get involved in a process, the more information you remember because you are activating more neurological pathways.

We have said before that we are not advocates of positive thinkingand this is a major reason why. Thinking to yourself, “I am rich. I am rich. I am rich” will never produce riches no matter how many times you say it. Thinking something isn’t going to attract to you what you desire. Sorry, it just doesn’t work that way. Action is required and as you start to act, the neurological pathways in your brain will develop.

When you begin this process you will face choices to reaffirm your thoughts and actions or not. This is a nice way to say that there will be plenty of opportunities to revert back to your old patterns. We see these as golden opportunities because reaffirming your thoughts and actions strengthens your resolve and your neurological pathways.

The good news is, once you create the neurological pathways you desire, it will actually be hard for you to not take action because as your brain forms new pathways, the old, less used ones become weaker. Have you ever known someone who talked about going to the gym for a while and was unable to get themselves to go? Then, they just got up and started going regularly. They might have felt some pain for a few days at first, but then they started to enjoy it. After a while, missing just a single day (which rarely happens) they actually begin to feel uncomfortable.

Their neurological pathways have been set to not only think about fitness but to take daily action. It is uncomfortable for them not to go, just as it was uncomfortable for them to get going in the first place. Herein lies the secret to great abundance. Often we look at certain individuals who live and act in abundance consistently. We think, “How do they do it, it must take so much effort.” The truth is it takes them no more effort than it takes you, they just have programmed their brains differently and it has adapted to meet their demands.

Choose one activity that will move you forward. For instance, if you want to lose weight, don’t take on diet, and exercise at once if that has failed in the past. Choose one. Choose one new diet habit you know will work for you. Just drink water, for instance. Do that repeatedly for a couple of weeks, and then add reducing fat. Then add sugary treats. Whatever your step is, take it. Adapt it, BE it, then move onto the next one. It doesn’t all have to take place at once if that doesn’t work for you. Form the pathways, and watch your life change.

Michael Bloxton

Mentally, all human beings have tremendous abilities. We have six mental faculties that make us powerful beings, but make no mistake about it; we live in a physical world so our mental processes must be translated to the physical world, through action, if we are to live the life we desire. Action is the key that unlocks the power of our mental faculties.

Before we go on we want to clear up a common misunderstanding. When talking about the mental faculties, people often use the words “mind” and “brain” interchangeably. Our mind is not a physical piece of us; it consists of our thoughts, our beliefs, and emotions. On the other hand, the brain is a physical entity within our bodies that serves as the switching station for electrical impulses and hormone creation that regulates the body.

Your physical body works in patterns. Anything we do repeatedly creates some type of pattern. Think of your first time driving a car… it was probably challenging the first time and required your full attention. Now when you drive a car what happens? The hand, eye, and foot patterns associated with this task are virtually automatic. Heck, many times we are paying almost no attention because we are on the phone; kids are playing in the backseat, listening to the radio. With all of that going on, we still get to our location. Our body and brain have ingrained patterns.

So what does this have to do with living in abundance?

Let’s say you read all the books, listen to the tapes, and attend every seminar you can. Everything you hear makes sense and you even have gotten yourself to the point where you consistently think in empowering ways most often. Is your life on track? Not unless you are taking some kind of action. So many people stumble at this point because they still can’t get themselves to take action!

This happens because our brain, and the rest of our body, doesn’t have the action-taking pattern ingrained. There is no easy way around this, so get ready for it – unless you take some kind of action, you will never ingrain an action pattern. Sorry to give you the bad news but it’s as cut and dry as that. It sounds like a catch-22, doesn’t it?

You’ve been there, right? You know you should do something but something stops you from taking the next step, action. Habits are strong forces in our lives. This is more than just mental. Repeated habitual patterns actually form neurological connections and pathways in our brain. Your brain literally changes physically in response to things you have done over and over again, emotional patterns you have, and even your thoughts. This is called brain plasticity.

So, the question is, how exactly do you change your habits? To do that, you have to change the neurological connections in your brain. How do you do that? Well, we are going to leave you here with a bit of a cliffhanger. Next week we will finish this process so be sure to check back. Until then, live in abundance.

Michael Bloxton

Once you understand the different types of processing people use to analyze information (if you don’t, make sure you check out last week’s article) you will understand how this applies to rhythm and tempo. When you are listening to someone talk, notice their rhythm and tempo.

Visual Processors – individuals who process information visually tend to speak extremely quickly. They are trying to speak fast to keep up with the images that are flashing across the screen of their mind. There tends to be no quality of rhythm or voice pitch because they are not interested in how it sounds coming out of their mouth, they are only interested in describing the pictures they see.

Auditory Processors – individuals who process information using auditory clues are actually listening to the sounds they hear or think about how they sound as they are saying it. Speech rhythm and tempo tend to be melodic, on exact pace because these people care. Pauses in speech are more frequent than visual processors but these pauses are almost timed like music is. Their voice tends to sound great.

Kinesthetic Processors – the slowest of the slow when it comes to rhythm and tempo because every time they say something, they are thinking about how if felt and getting themselves into that emotion. This takes more time than any other processing technique. They tend to have long pauses which may seem long (if you are a visual or auditory processor). Also, their voices tend to be the softest because like visual processors, they are not focused on how they sound… but unlike visuals, they are focused on their feelings and conveying them to you which creates emotion-filled voices which are often softer.

How does this information affect your communications? Well, for example, if you are primarily a visual processor and you are conversing with a kinesthetic processor, you are going to sound like a “fast talker” who is too “hyped” and they will likely distrust what you are saying (if they don’t know you) or will be unlikely to see your point of view (even if they do know you).

So what do you do with this information? Simple. Understand that effective communications starts with you communicating with people in ways that they will respond to. It doesn’t matter if you are more comfortable doing things your way. What does matter is that they are comfortable. In terms of rhythm and tempo, model theirs. Talk exactly the way they do. It really is the easiest thing in the world to do yet it has dramatic impact on your communication results.

Be an effective communicator, starting today.

Michael Bloxton

Language is the combination of words you use and the sequence you put those words in (also known as syntax). There is good news and bad news when it comes to effective language use. The good news is once mastered, you will be able to communicate with such precision and influence it will astound you. The bad news is… it’s going to take a little practice. Not to worry, we are going to give you some tips to speed up the process.

The words you use in conversation are the most powerful tools you have at your disposal! Never underestimate the power of words in communication. You must use words that will elicit the response you desire from those with whom you communicate. Most people communicate using words that would have meaning to them whereas effective communicators use words that have meaning to others.

To do this, you must know a little bit about the different ways in which people process information. They do it visually, through auditory, and kinesthetically (through feeling – both emotional and physical). A full understanding of this concept is an entirely different subject and one that we won’t go into here. However, we want you to understand how these methods of processing affect verbal communications.

Everyone uses all three of these processes when getting information but each of us has a primary process we tend to go to when evaluating new information. Some people tend to move to a visual process of evaluation, others primarily use the auditory process, and still others utilize kinesthetic processes. Knowing which process the person uses while you are trying to get your point across is important.

The question remains – how can you learn which process someone uses? Listen to them. What words do they use? Let’s start with some examples. If you were talking to a friend about taking a vacation together and you really want to go to a Caribbean Island, their initial responses can be very telling. Here are some possible responses:

”I’m not sure if I want to go. I can’t see myself having a good time with all the work I still have to do.”

”To be honest, that doesn’t really sound all that interesting to me. I’d rather go to Alaska because I’ve heard great things about it.”

”Maybe next time. I can’t really put my finger on it but it just doesn’t feel like the right time to go on vacation”

The first example tells you the person is processing visually because they said “see.” The second is processing utilizing auditory senses since they used two auditory contextual words… “sound” and “heard.” Can you guess which clues tell you example 3 is kinesthetic? If you guessed the word “feel” you are right but did you catch the more subtle clue… “put my finger on it?” That’s a kinesthetic clue because the sense of touch is involved.

If you were trying to try to persuade your friend to come with you, you would need to model their process of evaluation to be most effective. For example, talking to your kinesthetic friend about all the great things there would be to see isn’t going to move them to action. They are interested in how it will feel. Conversely, if you were trying to persuade your visual-processing friend by talking about the great feelings, experiences, and emotions they would feel using kinesthetic words, they would be lost because they are trying to picture it in their mind.

The secret to this is to listen, and then model the way people communicate to you verbally, using their words. It is going to take some practice but we promise it will be well worth the effort. As we alluded to earlier, the syntax or order of the words you use also has an impact on the meaning someone gives your language. This should be fairly obvious so we won’t spend a ton of time on it but you should be aware of it. Here are two sentences, using the exact same words with different syntax:

”Honey, I am angry with you, but the important thing is I love you.”

”Honey, I love you but the important thing is I am angry with you.”

Same exact words… dramatically different meaning. It is important that you use syntax in your favor and in your favor means in a way that communicates what you want to communicate.

Now that you are aware of the impact of tone and emotional congruence (last week’s article) and the power of language, it is time to explore the last major element of verbal communication. And yes, we are going to leave you here today and pick up the final segment next week. Until then – practice noticing what you have learned so far in your conversations with others. Try using it if you get the chance. Have fun. And don’t worry; nobody will even know you’re doing it.

Michael Bloxton

There are three powerful elements that affect your verbal communication. They are simple to grasp with a little practice, so don’t fret, you can become a master communicator regardless of your starting point. So let’s dive in:

Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it that counts?” This statement could not be truer, but what the heck does it mean? How you say something is expressed through your tone and emotional congruency! These two factors can literally change a conversation instantly.

The tone and inflection in your voice is as indicative as what you are saying and the words you use. The tone almost always reveals something about what we think about the person we are communicating with or the current experience. Have you ever heard someone talk to a baby? Think about it, what is their tone of voice? Gentle, cute, and soft is normally how people talk to babies. Doesn’t that tell us a lot in terms of how they feel about the baby?

Now, think about the tone of voice lover’s use when talking to each other. How does it sound? Do you hear a difference? Well there are similarities in softness of the speech but that is where the similarities end. Cuteness is replaced with sensuality and gentleness is replaced with passion.

Finally, think of how the conversation sounds in a boardroom when the CEO is talking to his/her team. Here again there are major differences. Authoritative, louder, and more direct tones of voice are very common. This may all sound obvious to you but there is an insight here. Imagine for a second you are in a board room listening to your boss review the business plan for the next year. Instead of his/her normal tone, replace it in your mind with the tone he/she would use when talking to an infant child. Hear the words about customer service, a new product launch, and return on investment but hear it in the high pitched, gentle, cute baby voice.

Weird huh? You wouldn’t be able to take this person seriously, you wouldn’t be inspired to take action, and you would probably crack up laughing during the meeting. In fact, if someone actually did this we would have them committed to a mental institution. This demonstrates how much we pay attention to the tone being used, not just the words that are spoken.

What is emotional congruency? The best way to explain this is through an example. Has your significant other ever said “I love you,” they say it in a loving tone, and on the surface everything seems right but somehow you know these words are empty? What is really going on in this situation?

Most likely, they are conveying emotional incongruence. Maybe they are thinking about the upcoming football game, work, or something completely unrelated to you and how much they love you. You can sense this and the words, although the right words, in the right tone, seem hollow. Sometimes this happens in more significant ways too. For example, in the same situation, your significant other may just be telling you what you want to hear rather than how they really feel.

Now that you understand both concepts, let’s bring this back to your communication skills mastery. When communicating, the first thing you must know is what your desired outcome is and what type of tone is appropriate in this situation. Next, decide what emotional outcome you would like to create for the person you are communicating with. If you want them to feel something in particular and you want them to know you feel the same, then you need to get yourself fully focused on that emotional state.

This is the first element of effective verbal communication. It is the starting point from which the other two major elements are based. So what are the other two elements? Ahhh, well we are going to leave you waiting until next week to learn about element number two. Be sure to check back and catch the next installment of being an effective communicator.

Michael Bloxton

Non-verbal communication is essential because most of what you say is lost on the person you are communicating with if they are having a conversation with themselves as you are talking. However, they instinctively pick up your non-verbal cues. Also, even when you are talking, people gauge their response by your words and non-verbal signals combined.

There is another side to this as well. When in conversation, you miss 80% of the communication you are getting back from the other person if you are only focused on what they are saying. Have you ever had a conversation with someone, you gave compelling reasons for your point of view, they verbally agreed, yet in the end, you were unable to influence their opinion? You missed their non-verbal clues that could have told you your approach was not affecting them.

First of all, knowing who you are communicating with is absolutely essential to the effective communication process. People communicate back to you exactly how they need to be communicated with! Look at their body language, eye contact, the tilt of their head, the slant of their shoulders, the placement of their arms, their back position, and other body language you see. Does it indicate open- or closed-mindedness?

You know the answer even if you think you don’t. We recently participated in an experiment that demonstrated this truth which you can also try if you have some friends you’d like to have fun with. First, we all split up into groups of 3 (person 1, person 2, and person 3). Person 1’s task was to get into an emotional state such as anger, worry, or happiness without telling anyone what emotion they were going to experience. To do this, person 1 used their body, their breathing, their eyes, their muscle tension, and visualized an actual memory when this emotion was intense. Person 2’s job was to mirror the exact position (everything about person 1) from the way they were sitting/standing to the tension in their body in an effort to guess which emotion person 1 was feeling.

Seldom did person 2 know at this point so enter person 3. Person 3’s job was to help person 2 mirror person 1 even more accurately by shifting the various parts of their body to exactly duplicate person 1’s physical state. Without fail, there were small modifications to be made. Then, person 2 was asked to guess the state of emotion person 1 was in and guess what … they got it every time. It was amazing to see.

So what does this experiment tell us? First, it tells us that the difference is in the details and too often we don’t pay exact attention to non-verbal communication. If we had, we wouldn’t have needed person 3 at all. But there is something even more crucial this experiment shows – we know exactly how to read someone else’s body language and what it means because we use the exact same body language ourselves!

Using this is the simplest part. Once we know what emotional state the person we are communicating with is in, we can empathize with their point of view. We can build rapport by communicating in a way that they can understand. Then, and only then, can we hope to influence someone effectively.

Another key element is eye contact. Effective eye contact can take any conversation and make it engaging and intimate. Here too, there is more to it than just looking at someone. Instead, look into them. Look into them in an effort to understand and appreciate them. Believe us, this type of eye contact can be felt. The only way to truly engage someone, so that every word you communicate is heard and felt, is to give them the eye contact they deserve.

The individual who is most aware of non-verbal communication is able to properly relay their information or point of view better and more effectively than anyone else. This takes some practice so you may break down the learning process by focusing on each sense and mastering your use and perception of that sense. Then, take your success and move onto the next part of non-verbal communication.

Next week we will discuss Verbal Communication and as you may have guessed, there is more to it than meets the ear. Until then, understand, we are all different in the way we perceive the world and our communication preferences. Use this knowledge as a guide in your communications with others!

Michael Bloxton